Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Johns Fan-Fiction Draft

The storm just wouldn’t give up, its cold harsh winds cut through the night like a knife, blanketing the outside world in a carpet of white snow. The headlights of my car managed only served illuminate the impenetrable white wall. I was blind, but that was hardly going to stop me now. I couldn’t remember the last time I had slept or taken a rest, I couldn’t remember anything but this dark winter night that just like some sort of nightmare, wouldn’t end. All I was running on now was pure adrenaline. Following nothing but my instinct I drove my way through the deserted empty suburb.

I found the grand mansion without any real trouble. Its large iron gates stood ajar allowing me to pass. Not a single soul could be seen in the courtyard and every window gave off a warm yellow light. It almost seemed welcoming. The front door also offered no resistance and opened up into a grand receiving hall. I held my gun at the ready and a gust of snow followed me in. Empty. Well this was unexpected, also a little unnerving. It was like they were expecting me.

I climbed the stairs and opened the door to the office. A man lay slumped across it, a pool of blood forming underneath him – this was a recent act.

“That’s quite enough Mr. Payne” an unfamiliar voice rang out from behind me. Before I had time to see who the mystery voice belonged to I felt a syringe being stabbed into my neck.
A green flash of light struck through head and my vision was obscured. I feel to the ground and began to writhe in pain as a million needles began to tear apart my skin.

“…enough…he…die”

I couldn’t make out the words as I saw the dark shadows of men in suits swiftly exit the room.

The room became a red blurry haze. Everything shifting in and out of focus, objects spiraling around me. I ran for the door, my body felt light and with each step I floated through the air in what seemed like slow motion. The room appeared to be stretching, becoming longer – the door more further away.

”Who’s there?!” a panicked woman’s voice called, from where I could not tell.

“Max? Is that you?” The voice spiraled around my head louder then quieter and louder once again.

I entered a long dark hallway; it seemed so familiar yet unfamiliar at the same time, it exited into what seemed to be a living room, papers were scattered everywhere and several candles kept the room alight with a unsettling yellow hue.

“Max – where are you? Max please” the voices continued to haunt me. I climbed the stair to the second story. A baby’s cry replaced the woman’s and I found myself in what seemed to be the baby’s room. A crib knocked over, sheets sprawled along the floor. The sight of it began to freak me out. I was panicking. I had to get out.

After blindly stumbling around varies rooms and doors I found myself in what seemed like an office or a study. Things seemed calmer hear. I noticed on the expensive looking wooden desk. That a letter sat neatly folded. It was like it was calling out to me. Asking to be read.

I picked it up and unfolded it.

There was something disturbingly familiar about the letter before me, the handwriting all pretty curves.

“Max.”

“You’re in a fan-fiction”

The truth split my skull open. A glaring light washed the lies away. I was in a fan-fiction
Funny as hell, it was the most horrible thing I could think off.

The walls were aflame and the room began to fill with a thick chocking smoke. I could feel the world slipping away from me; everything seemed to be happening to someone else, not me as I watched on. Finally I faded out of consciousness.

6 comments:

  1. going to move some things around and expand on others

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  2. Looking forward to the re-edit version of your fan-fic, so far so good.

    When you realized that you were in a fan fiction and "the truth split my skull open" maybe you can add more description about the "pain".

    Hazel.

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  3. I liked this story, I felt the pacing of it was a little fast, you could have been a little more wordy and added a few more metaphors for the genre, but I feel the story was excellent.

    Your formatting is very good, it makes the story easy to read and I always appreciate it when people take the time to make sure they have the correct spelling and grammar.

    There were just a few sentences that didn't make sense to me personally, 'The headlights of my car managed only served illuminate the impenetrable white wall' stuck out to me especially. (Now that I've read it again, I realise that there is a 'to' missing x))

    Very nice work :D

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    Replies
    1. Cheers,
      I will try to expand it out for the final version

      Delete
  4. Thanks guys, i will get to work on fixing it up

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  5. I enjoyed your story, I also found it a little fast paced and thought that a paragraph at the beginning explaining what the story is about would make it easier to follow.

    But other than that i thought it was very creative. :)

    ReplyDelete